I was part of the problem. Please ignore everything I’ve said and get vaccinated.

I was part of the problem. Please ignore everything I’ve said and get vaccinated.

Opinion by 

Alexandra Petri

Columnist

Today at 5:04 p.m. EDT

Nurses prepare syringes with doses of the Moderna vaccine covid-19 at a vaccination center in Meloneras on the island of Gran Canaria, Spain on July 28. (Borja Suarez/Reuters)

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Hi, everyone! I know some people (not naming any names, because one of those names would be my name) have been doing a very bad thing and not encouraging you to get vaccinated — or even discouraging you from getting vaccinated — under the misapprehension that they could score consequence-free political points by so doing. Those people (among whom I no longer am!) are pretty bad. Look how many Americans have decided not to do this lifesaving thing, because of some misunderstood risk, because some irresponsible people (again, no names) fueled their doubts in the hopes of reaping short-term political gain! I sure would hate to be one of them, although, technically, I was, until just about three seconds ago. But that was then. Now to my theme, which I will be executing according to a tried and true formula.

First, we can all agree that Donald Trump is the best person in the world. It is a well-known fact that his body is so perfect that modern science is baffled, and it should come as no surprise that the vaccine for covid-19 came from his perfect mind and “very good brain.” He is a golden, godlike being from whom a healing effulgence emanates at all times. His smile is the origin of what is called sunshine, and he personally cured my scrofula. The vaccine was his gift to us, as when Prometheus gave fire to mankind. We shouldn’t call it the coronavirus vaccine; we should call it The Blessing From Donald Trump. That’s what I personally call it, and how I think about it, and I urge anyone who has hesitated to get it to think of it that way too.

Which reminds me, until literally right now, I did hesitate, because I was laboring under the misapprehension that this vaccine was of Biden, and therefore bad, rather than of Trump, and therefore perfect. But I was wrong. I got the vaccine, and it worked, like the country used to do under Trump. So I am begging you to think about Donald Trump and get this Blessing From Donald Trump!

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And now, I’d like to spend a little time blaming Democrats and the Media and the Partisan Climate in Washington for the unwillingness of people to get vaccinated. That is what it is; because doctors sounded too sure, and nothing dissuades people from medical treatments like a full-throated recommendation by experts. That is why dentists are so careful never to let more than four out of a possible five recommend anything at one time. Otherwise, the whole country would be awash in Oral-B heads and fluoride and chaos would reign.

Yes, it was definitely all that certainty that grated on people, I think. And also the polarization. When I say polarization, I don’t mean when I decided to score political points by casting aspersions on the vaccine. I mean … other things. I’m so disappointed, because this didn’t need to be a partisan issue. It was just that people I disliked were for it, so I assumed it was bad, and it became one.

People — not bad people, just confused — may have said to you that they weren’t sure about the vaccine, or had doubts about it, or even raised groundless questions about its safety. Technically, in the most literal sense, I may have been one of those people. But that was me a second ago — a totally different person, and I don’t need to reckon with that in any way. What I do need is for you to get the Blessing From Donald Trump!

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Maybe a paragraph blaming President Biden and Vice President Harris for vaccine hesitancy will help? Here is just such a paragraph. Gosh, they are just terrible! I bet nothing would make them madder than for you to get the Blessing From Donald Trump! They ought to apologize to the American people — for the virus, and in general. They need to reckon with all the bad things they said in the past. Just the two of them, and no one else.