The NCAA goes into other lines of business

The NCAA goes into other lines of business

Washington Post

Opinion by 

Alexandra Petri

Columnist

June 22, 2021 at 5:37 a.m. GMT+9

We are trying to branch out before the next shoe drops! (Kirby Lee/USA Today Sports)

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“Nowhere else in America can businesses get away with agreeing not to pay their workers a fair market rate on the theory that their product is defined by not paying their workers a fair market rate.” — Justice Brett M. Kavanaugh, concurring with the Supreme Court decision that the NCAA was wrong to place limits on the education-related compensation its student athletes could receive.

Now that the Supreme Court has ruled against us, we at the NCAA can see the writing on the wall for our whole collegiate sports enterprise, where we make billions of dollars in profit off the uncompensated labor of student athletes. So we are trying to branch out before the next shoe drops! Here are some other NCAA ventures you can look forward to:

NCAA Broadway: Come see the biggest shows with the best, most enormous budgets in the most comfortably air-conditioned, state-of-the-art venues imaginable! We have spared no expense — except where it comes to compensating the performers. They will receive nothing, to preserve the integrity of our model and let you know that they are in it for the right reasons. Book your tickets now — they aren’t cheap!

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NCAA Plumbing: Weird, we know, but hear us out! We are keeping the NCAA model intact, and these plumbers are absolutely not getting paid! But don’t worry, the plumbing is not free, either. We are making a fortune sending these plumbers to you, where you will benefit from their expertise, while we receive your money! Are the plumbers whose images are on the side of our trucks getting any special compensation? Yes: exposure!

NCAA Dining: Do you love paying the wrong people money, but wish you could do it while eating? Well, that’s why we at the NCAA are opening a chain of restaurants. Don’t worry, absolutely none of the waitstaff, line cooks or dishwashers are receiving any sort of compensation. We are committed to upholding the integrity of amateur restaurateuring, a concept we have just now invented. All participants will, however, get a certificate saying they learned about anthropology, which is probably priceless. And we will, of course, be accepting payment on their behalf.

Cirque du NCAA: Marvel at the death-defying feats of athleticism that our trained and skilled acrobats perform for you every night! Applaud as they fly through flaming hoops and somersault into enormous cauldrons of water! And then gasp as you see the amount we are paying them. It is zero dollars, in case you were still unclear on the premise.

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NCAA Dentistry: The plumber thing was going so well that we decided to get into the dentistry business, too! These are some uncompensated dentists right here! You can rest assured that if they are drilling into your abscessed tooth or giving you a root canal, it’s entirely because they really love what they’re doing. We also love what we’re doing!

NCAA NCAA: People work hard, full-time jobs to run a collegiate sports league worth billions of dollars, pouring their labor into it — and are then not compensated, because it would show that they were in it for the wrong reasons. Oh, no! We didn’t think this through!

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